23 May 2018

The Art of Active Listening

 It’s absolutely true, listening is an art. And sadly, it has become a lost art. Few actually do it well. It would seem to be a pretty simple concept, but there are several deterrents that get in the way.
 Many of us are guilty of starting a conversation and putting a thought or question out there. Instead of giving the other individual time to formulate a response, we immediately re-phrase the question or remark and answer it ourselves. In other words, we don’t give ourselves a chance to listen since we never stop talking.
The second reason is that even when we stop and wait for a response from the other person, we often don’t hear, or worse, comprehend, what they say because we are so busy formulating our reply to what we assume they will say. We want to be perceived as quick witted and always prepared with a snappy comeback to any question or comment.  The problem with all of this is that we are missing so much vital and crucial information.
I make my living organizing and producing corporate conferences and special events. My clients are usually executives who understand the value of gathering a group of customers and holding their attention for two or three days with a packed meeting agenda during the day and entertainment in the form of receptions and dinners during the evenings. These corporate undertakings are detail heavy and typically not inexpensive. However the cost can merit exponential returns when meticulously planned and well crafted and that’s where I come in.
When a client calls and tells me they want to discuss a new project, I listen. I want to hear every word, pick up on each nuance, and watch their non-verbal body language. When a person is excited to share information, or tell you a very key point, they intuitively lean forward as if to say, “don’t miss this next point because it is very important”. So I remain quiet to hear every word, notice the inflection of their voice, whether they raise or lower the volume and the tone they use and watch for non-verbal hints.
People ask me all the time what I attribute to creating a successful meeting and my answer, without a doubt, is to be a good listener. Hear what your client tells you, and how many times and ways they tell you the same thing. When they mention a particular element, such as the need for a timely and topical speaker or opening the conference with a themed party that will set the mood and tone, then I take note. It tells me what the core component needs to be and allows me to build and frame the other aspects of the meeting to correlate and coordinate from that point. 
Here’s my last tip to share about listening. Count to eight before you reciprocate.  I have been guilty of hi-jacking a conversation and realizing that I spoke too soon and cut off the other individual's response. It will seem like an eternity, but be smart and give the person with whom you are communicating the time to acknowledge your comment or statement. It builds respect and credibility. Not only does this expand the opportunities for communication, but you also allow yourself time to hear and take notice of their cerebral nuances. 

Happy listening. You’ll be surprised what you hear! 

13 May 2018

5 Secrets to A Long Lasting Relationship



It is a cliche to say that relationships are hard and need to be worked on daily. It doesn’t mean that the sentiment is untrue, but a fundamental law of our nature. Individual people are as unique as anything can be in the vast and diverse Universe. For two individual people with their own goals and priorities to hitch their destinies together and pull in the same direction for decades is no small feat of endurance.


It requires a few things in abundance to complete that journey to its inevitable end. Much of our society views relationships as either disposable or possessing an expiration date. Couples who stay together to the end view their relationships as forever and irreplaceable. But, how do you build a relationship that lasts forever?
HERE ARE FIVE ‘SECRETS’ TO A GREAT AND LASTING RELATIONSHIP:
1. TRUST
If you have ever watched a child build an elaborate building out of wooden blocks or some contraption out of Legos, only to smash it apart in a second of gleeful destruction, then you understand the fundamentals of trust. It takes a long time to build and an instant to destroy. You and your partner have to trust each other. With your secrets, with your money, with your heart and with your very life. You build trust one brick at a time and you refuse to give in to that base desire to destroy it completely. You earn trust every day like interest on an investment. The longer you let it build, the more it is worth in the end.
2. OPENNESS AND ACCEPTANCE
It is easy to withdraw into the fortress of your heart and protect yourself. But, it is cold and lonely in that castle surrounded by high walls and a deep moat, yet you feel protected and safe. High walls and safety could also describe a prison, and that is what that fortress is. Freedom comes with risk. When you open your deepest feelings and hurts to your partner, you open yourself to risk, but also to liberation and acceptance. We are not perfect and we have all done things we are not proud of. Acknowledging our partners’ faults and accepting them for who they are without attempting to change them to fit our definition of perfection is to let ourselves be accepted in return. We grow to know each other and our imperfections and accept them and ourselves for who we are and what we are together.

3. UNCONDITIONAL AFFECTION
Once we have established trust, opened our hearts to our partners and accepted them and ourselves for who we are, then we can love them without conditions. We love them even when they fail. We love them even when we are angry with them. We love them even when they feel that they don’t deserve it. It is easy to love someone who is perfect. Loving imperfect people is all we have. Love is like water, eternal and nourishing. Water will wear down the mountain eventually. Love will seep into the cracks and break that hard shell apart. Some people walk a desert, stumbling around looking for an oasis to get a drink of water. Be that oasis for your partner. Be that cool drink on a hot and dry day.
4. SACRIFICE
Sacrifice is the ultimate expression of love. You give up your deep personal desires in order to satisfy someone else. In great relationships the two people in that relationship sacrifice for one another in order to bring happiness, fulfilment and security to each other. It may be small daily sacrifices, like doing chores when you really want to lay down and read that new book. It might be passing on that promotion or new job so your kids can finish out the school year with their friends. It might be going to your in-laws for the holidays when you would rather be anywhere else. When you love someone without conditions, you give up some of your personal desires in order to build or maintain your relationship. Yes, sometimes we need to be a little selfish so we can recharge or heal, but when you are both feeding each other, than nobody starves.
5. TILL DEATH DO US PART
The biggest secret is that both of you are in it to the end, come hell or high water. There is no quitting on each other. If your partner is having a hard time moving forward, then you carry them until they can. You do not leave people behind. Some people, though, see relationships as too hard or requiring to much sacrifice, or they think the grass is always greener on the other side. It is just being selfish. People are going to change over time and things will be tough. But, if we are open in our desires and wants, if we are honest and trust our partner, if we love them no matter what and are willing to sacrifice our desires to bring them happiness, then we can overcome any hardship life throws at us.




To your success